10 Tremendous Tips to Connect with Your Preteen

I personally cannot believe that I am in the preteen stage with my babies already. This happened too quick for this momma, but here we are. Trying to talk to them like I used to is just not the same. Have you tried to connect with your preteen? If so, then you know right where I’m coming from and you are trying to figure out how to connect with your preteen too!

Let’s commiserate over some momma tears with a tall cup of coffee, shall we?

To be honest, I am not even sure when it happened. My sweet little daughter and adoring son have both recently converted to this “preteen” stage.

Professionals say that this can happen with kids between the ages of 9-12 and that it really is more of a transitional time. Sometimes they are called “tweens” now since they are directly between adolescence and the teenage years.

Our sweet, cuddly littles are wanting a bit more independence. However, they really are still kids. In this preteen stage, there is a struggle between “I don’t want to grow up” and “I can do it on my own”.

Boys get a little goofy and girls get a little snippy (ok, maybe more than a little – door slam!) The emotions are changing and so are their bodies (that is a whole other post).

They still want to play dolls or LEGO’s, but there are new emotions that go with it. They might need help with a basic task, but would rather pass on it than ask for help. I chuckled at this post at FamilyEducation.com too.

So how can we momma’s navigate this new season of our child’s growth?

We do need to be pretty stealth like in our approach. Cannot let the see us coming too fast. There must be more opportunity for listening and letting go on our part, while still being ready to lend a hand discreetly.

Since I am full on in this new parenting season, I have been researching and getting equipped to ROCK IT! It isn’t so scary when you have the tools so I absolutely have to share them.

First, deep breath, Momma!!! You Got This!

Here are my Top 10 Tips for connecting with your preteen.

1. Inspire Their Identity

More than anything I can see that my kids are truly finding their identity. I have watched and seen many of the gifts and talents that God has given my kids.

“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” – Romans 15:7

These gifts are starting to emerge so that God would be glorified. As their biggest cheerleader, I want to just start directing them and telling them what to do and how to use their gifts.

But wait….they are determined to figure it out on their own. And we must allow them time and space to figured out who they are.

Who they are is quickly becoming SO much more important than ever. Their circle of friends is changing. How they spend their time is changing. What they want to be when they grow up is changing too.

All of this is due to the emotions that have surfaced.

Momma, you get to inspire them from behind. Remind them that they are important. That there is a purpose for them. Praise them for doing well academically. Encourage them to take risks and try new things.

Related to Strong Identity: Why Kids Need Devotionals

The words that you speak to your preteen will act as a compass in hard times. Say these things often and sincerely.

2. Listening – No more lectures

After years of hearing us tell them what to do and how to do it, these little people suddenly have much more input on things.

They like to choose their own clothing, hair styles, music to listen to, and shows to watch.

We have to be ready to listen and not lecture.

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” – James 1:19

When your preteen comes downstairs with mismatched bright pink pants with a lime green top – just go with it. If there is a problem with friends or if they are frustrated about a situation, gently ask questions to direct them to solutions.

When you sit back and not tell them how to handle things, but ask what THEY think, you will learn how much they have to say and that they have lots of ideas. This will help them with their own critical thinking and problem solving.

Yes, they will likely go on and on about the latest LEGO movie or how they got to some new world in the latest video game. But listen we must. As we show them we care about what they have to say, they will share more. These listening opportunities will develop into bigger topics (YIKES) and our preteens need to know we will listen without judgement….and without lecturing.

Listening is critical in this stage to hear the heart of your preteen.

Paying attention to when we ask is critical too! If you want an answer other than “yeah” or “good” then we sometimes must be silent. Silence on your part is what prompts your preteen to talk to you.

Let them talk. Listen close. You will hear their needs within the words they use.

3. Quality Time

OK, we know that time is key in relationships with our kiddos. This becomes more important as they begin experiencing new emotions and life situations.

Being intentional and working toward quality over quantity is what creates greater connection with your preteen. We have been doing one-on-one “dates” with our kids for a couple years [Read about that here].

The kids look forward to these special times no matter what age. But my preteens have new things they want to do and talk about. Having them in our calendar already helps me be intentional about this time together.

Serving together at church or in a community volunteer opportunity is a perfect way to connect with a purpose. This provides quality time and makes memories for you both. Additionally, there is great opportunity for conversation.

My son currently serves with his Dad once a week in a church ministry. He helps set up tables and chairs for a recovery program. The car ride to and from has created the perfect opportunity for my son and husband to connect. They have had some deep conversations in these times that would not have happened organically if they were not serving together.

4. Table Talk

Family dinners have always been HUGE for me! This is a time for me to gather all my chicks in one place and get them to share, chat, and communicate.

There are manners that are taught when kids are little. But by the preteen ages, there are new objectives of how to use table talk at family dinner.

We do not do family dinner every night. My goal is 4-5 nights per week and some weeks are better than others. When the kids help with meals it can be one more opportunity to connect and let them shine.

Sitting around the table together for a meal does create an atmosphere of communion. It is a time to teach respect for differing opinions. Great conversations can be had. Laughter and connection happen here.

Usually, we will go around with a question or suggestion at family dinner. Some of our most used are:

What is something you learned today?
Share something that made you smile?
What are you looking forward to tomorrow?
Talk about the best part of your day.
Say something nice about the person to your right.

If you are looking to make your dinner table a place for connecting with your preteen then definitely check out Sally Clarkson’s “The Lifegiving Table“. This book shows the value of these family times and she shares ideas on how to maximize your table.

5. Game On

We are a somewhat of a board game family. My boys tend to enjoy board games more than my girls. My girls love card games though. If you don’t have Uno you must grab it, and the newest game Dos immediately!

Game nights can sometimes end with a flipped Monopoly game (so I’ve heard…wink). But they mostly create laughter and connection.

Most of these are easy to learn and play for fun. There is lots of opportunity for lighter connection and just enjoying time together.

We have lots of classics that my preteens love like LIFE, CLUE, Scrabble, Chess, and even the classic Racko.

Here are some other NEWER games that are great for preteens and teens. Use them for family fun and to have some serious laughs!!

6. TV Time

Watching TV with your preteen is a perfect time to connect. You get to laugh with them and spend time doing something that they enjoy.

This is also a great way to generate some conversation. With all of the topics kids face, many show up in TV shows. Topics like friendship, fitting in, school work, and sportsmanship take new priority in the preteen years.

Topics of depression, sex, technology, or bullying can be seen in TV too. This is really a great opportunity to ask your preteen about these “sensitive” issues. You might not be aware of how much he knows about some of them already.

7. Reading Together

Grab a great book you both want to read. This is one of my favorite ways to connect with my teens.

Read more here: How Reading with your Teen Builds Relationship

You can each read separately then come together and chat about what you have read. As moms, we have usually been reading to our kids for years. They would sit on our laps, turn the pages, and listen to our funny voice-overs.

I love snuggly reading time!

Using this type of “book club” to connect with your preteen is on a completely different level. You can choose a book together, or let your son or daughter pick. Either way it can be something you both enjoy.

It doesn’t need to be anything formal either. Grab some tea (my boys love tea time with momma) and sit to talk about the chapters you’re reading. You get to ask what they thought of the way a character acted in a certain situation. Or you can see what their favorite part was and why!

The options with this are limitless and if you have a reader, then this is a perfect way to connect with your preteen in a way they love!!

This is a great thing for dads to do especially.

Check out the below Titles for ideas!

Here is an amazing book list by Jamie at The Unlikely Homeschool for more quality content books by age too.

8. Journal Keeping

Journaling with your preteen can totally open up the communication. It’s pretty simple to do and can start at any age or time too. You can use a regular journal and write back and forth with him. You can write words of encouragement. Tell her how proud you are about a certain success she had.

Any form of connection is possible in journaling.

Related: Best Journaling Tools for Women

With journaling, your preteen is likely to write something that he might not be comfortable asking or telling you. On the flip side, mom’s get to be thoughtful about a reply that be encouraging with a good tone. Plus, they won’t see the freaked-out look on your face when reading their thoughts!!

This method of connecting with your preteen is also a keepsake for years to come. This time of communication with you will equip them for their future lives.

Are unsure what to say or ask? Well, there are some OUTSTANDING resources with writing prompts and questions for you.

9. Bedtime Connections

We know the value of bedtime routines when our kids a little. One thing I have learned in the short time I have had a preteen is that at bedtime, she wants to talk.

After she has had some time to read and decompress on her own, she will call my name. “Mom? Will you snuggle?” Just can’t say no to that!! Each night I get to climb into the bed of this little force who has not needed me most of the day. We talk and pray together!

Bedtime is when she opens her heart and will answer almost any question. I often ask my kids what was the best/worst parts of their day. To better connect with my preteen I now can ask lots of follow up questions. I get to ask why they liked or didn’t like about the day.

You also get to talk about tomorrow and what types of things he might be doing. Talking about anxious situations or facing something that might be stressing them out — like an oral presentation they have to do — opens the door to listen.

Use this time to connect with your preteen intentionally. It might feel tough after a long day, but it will build your relationship with your preteen.

10. Pray, Pray, Pray

Finally, the absolute number one way for you to connect with your preteen is to pray for them. Pray that you would have the patience to listen and know when to talk. Pray for opportunities to connect one-on-one and serve together. Pray for them to have a personal relationship with Jesus so that He would guide them in tough times.

Check out this post on Prayer: How do I Pray?

Pray for protection and that He would lead them in His perfect will for their lives. Pray for their friends and for them to be surrounded by others who love them for who they are and encourage them.

You have got this Momma!!!

God has got you and He will get you through. What a mighty God we serve. He loves us and will guide us to continually connect with our preteens.

Blessings,